Batman & Isaac Newton in Freefall

We have returned to a state of GEEK DEFCON-1. Assume the comic book debating position.

I have a gripe. Small and inconsequential, but I will blog about it, nonetheless. Last week I was reading Batman: Year One. Loved it. Thought it was great, even though in the first chapter Bruce Wayne's character starts out so flat and boring. But it picks up and Police Commissioner Gordon's character development was awesome throughout; a definite bonus for this particular series.

What keeps bugging me is this one frame where Batman defies the rules of gravity. It goes a little something like this: Kidnappers are on the run with Commissioner Gordon's baby. The shit hits the fan on a bridge that spans the river (seems to be a theme this week), when Batman and Gordon both catch up with the kidnappers. In the broohaha that ensues, Criminal #1 loses his grip on the baby and the kid starts to drop towards the river below. But babies cannot die on Baman's watch, can they? No sirree, Bob. We then see Batman diving down towards the baby from above. Batman catches up to the falling baby and grabs him in the nick of time. Whew, that was a close one. Smiles all around.

But wait a minute. Thanks to Sir Isaac Newton, we know that all solid objects fall at the same rate, irregardless of their weight. He dropped wooden balls and iron balls (another theme this week, eh?) off of the Tower or Pisa to show the local "scientists," a rather generous term for them, that all of the balls landed at the same time. Now of course you are thinking that gravitational analysis and other laws of physics cannot or should not be applied to comic books, but I would disagree, especially since we are talking about Batman here. Batman is a superhero with no superpowers beyond his strength, fighting skills, wicked bad technology, and his fierce determination to make things right. His comic books tend to be a bit more rooted in a gritty, evil, urban reality than other characters' stories are. When he faces failure, it is almost always based on his own limitations and the limitations of the world around him; a world that he cannot alter as Superman would. He works within the normal laws of the universe, and has to fight hard because of it.

Wow, my own GEEK-O-METER is beeping wildly at me, with readings off the fucking charts. But I will forge ahead anyway, unabashedly arguing about subjects that normal people have no interest in. Subjects that they in fact have great disdain and scorn for. But I will not be beaten down by The Man. Especially because The Man does not read comix, which makes him a loser.

So with all of this in mind, how would Batman make himself fall faster than the Gordon baby? Granted, he was in full dive position with his cape behind him. Definitely no drag there. If he had shot out one of his grappling hooks to wrap around the infant, it would be believable. But babies tend to be soft creatures, and grappling hooks tend to be hard, spikey creatures. Bad combo. "Here's your baby, Gordon. A little bloody and mangled, but definitely alive! And he's still got one good eye. Who's your Daddy?!"

I think the reason for the discord is that Batman is always grouped with the other Superheroes, when he is fact just a human. Extraordinary human, yes, but he is not from another planet, he has had no exposure to nuclear radiation (the kind that makes you crazy strong, not the kind that melts your skin off and kills you slowly), he is not from an ancient race of immortal warriors with nice tits and shiny hair, and he is not half Merman with underwater breathing abilities and a talent for handling jetskis and bossing about giant sharks. He's just Batman, yo. He's just a guy who wishes that the world was so peachy keen that his caped avenger services were not necessary. Then he could commit his time to finding a good therapist (dude needs to work through some serious issues), to weightlifting, maybe a little Jeet Kune Do, collecting rare Burt Bacharach albums, and to haunting Goth clubs, where his black costumes and pessimistic outlook would be much appreciated and revered. You know it's true. He would be the hit of the Goth Ball; he would be everyone's Black Death Darling. And damn, Batman would get no end of Goth pussy. Or dick. Whatever mood he's in, I guess. But I would bet big money on the fact that if Batman plays with the guys, he is a total top, and prone to giving lots of bossy orders. "Where's my beer, bitch? Good, now suck my dick. And no, I ain't taking the costume off for you. My therapist says I am still too vulnerable to reveal myself, so feck off and start sucking. Watch the teeth! Last time you left marks that Alfred noticed."

Oh man, it's good to be a simpleton, cuz I amuse myself to no end.

Currently I'm reading Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, so I am sure that next week will bring another Batman-related rant or rave. Same Bat time, same Bat channel!