A Straight Man’s Guide to Flowers

Please note that despite the title of this post, the guidance here also applies to lesbians, bisexuals, married people of all sorts, and small Hedgehogs named Steve. Use as needed, and discontinue use immediately if a rash develops.

I am a woman who loves flowers. I have never met a woman who did not love flowers; I don’t care if they are gay, straight, or somewhere on the slippery slope in between. Those that say they don’t care are also the ones that get the most melty when presented with a big-ass bouquet. There is good reason for the time-worn image of men in trouble with their womenfolk creeping back with flowers and contrite expressions. It’s because that shit works. It might not “fix” the full mess, but it will get you back in the house.

Perhaps it is just the fact that flowers are really quite miraculous in their own right. Ever looked at them really closely or seen nature shows on just how many tricky things they get up to in a day? Their innards imitate the sexy backsides of the particular insect species they need to attract for pollination. They lure them in with promises of sex! Brilliant. It’s the flower version of a bright red baboon ass. Lotus blossoms close tightly at night and sink down into the water, rising up to the water’s surface again to unfurl themselves before the rising sun. Sunflowers begin their day in one position, and finish it elsewhere, having tracked the movement of the sun with their upturned faces; happy, content, and uncompromisingly tall. Species that rely on bees for their propagation tend to be blue, because bees always prefer blue. In the 1600’s, a single tulip bulb sold for over $2000 in Holland, which was a significantly higher price than an equivalent weight of precious metal was commanding at the time. And don't even get me started on the carnivorous plants!

Leave it to the British to point out the sexual side of things: “Isn't it odd that flowers are the reproductive organs of the plants they grow on?” (Logan Pearsall Smith) Hmmm… maybe that’s why we like to bury our face in big bunches of flowers! It’s like burying your face in the crotch of someone you really, really like. And maybe that’s why the guys who give the biggest, bestest flowers get so much pussy; flowers have that strange power to open a woman’s legs. Did you know that bees must tap two million individual flowers to produce one pound of honey? Dang. (I almost made a “tap that ass” joke but I refrained. But see my comment about flowers imitating sexy little fuzzy backsides and you’ll see my point.)

Okay, so the sex-flower connection has been made in no uncertain terms. And now it’s time to move on to the ins and outs (*snicker*) of buying flowers for your lady, or just buying them for that hot chick that you so desperately wanna bang. Remember that idiotic book, “The Rules” that women were going on about for awhile? Absolute bollocks, but there is a small set of rules that do apply to choosing flowers, so pay attention. And keep in mind that if you are pursuing some totally trashy-ass low rent chick you should feel free to ignore these rules and just buy her the first pathetic wilted mixed bouquet you find at Safeway at 2am. Anyway, onward ho.

1. Avoid the pre-made, mixed bouquet. Straight men are magnetically drawn to these multi-color, multi-flower grab-bag bunches that proliferate in every damn market. Resist the urge, you clueless bastard. They are also big rip-offs because they are made up of 90% cheap filler flowers, with one to three decent flowers thrown in to approximate authenticity. See item #2.

2. Avoid the following common, filler flowers in any shape or form: baby’s breath (frothy tiny white flowers, usually half dead, mixed around other stuff), carnations (save them for your Great Grandmother, dorkwad), basic mums aka chrysanthemums (cuz they smell funky and are better suited to funerals and the cheapest FTD bouquets known to man). And for the love of God, do not ever buy those single flowers wrapped tightly in clear cellophane, usually sold next to the register at the Quickie Mart (i.e., they have been out of water forever). They choose the crappiest roses for those, and giving one to a girl makes you look like a cheap bastard with no taste whatsoever. Any flowers that are sold at 7-11 are likely to be a bad choice, unless you are courting a crack whore.

3. Now we must talk about choosing. Do not be afraid to choose flowers yourself. You will do all right. Use the Force, Luke. Just listen closely. Take a few minutes to really walk around the flower shop and look at all the flowers. You will see some that look kind of sad: wilted petals or leaves, brown spots, or yellowing of the petals (decay = bad). Keep walking. Find the ones that are perky, that have really rich color, that have leaves that are in decent shape (dying leaves mean the flower is about to die as well). Once you have a few options, think about your lady. Is she soft and sweet? Or is she brash and sassy? Try and match that to the few flowers you have chosen. Your sassy girls is a good match to the tall red-orange thingies that remind you of fire. Your sweet little peach is a good match to the pink lilies you also liked. Skip to step #5.

4. Not feeling it? Petrified? Feeling extremely Cro-Magnon that particular day? Grab the florist and use their brain and emotions. Ask which flowers they think are the very best that day, ask what will last awhile. When they give you a couple of options, you can also make them do the matching part for you. Important disclaimer: this option works only with florists who are chicks or gay men. A bored 18-year-old guy working there to make iPod money is not your ally. Go elsewhere, cuz you are about to drop some bank, and why do it badly? More on spending issues in a minute.

5. You are making your final choice and you must now resist your mixed bouquet urges. RESIST! Choose lots of just one flower. I am not kidding. This works. I am a girl, I have a pussy, so you gotta trust me on this. I also worked in flower shops back in the day, so I know my shit. Let’s say that you have decided that the tall yellow-red tulips are a good match for your sassy Sheila. Get two dozen of them. Really. Lots. Get nothing else. When wrapped properly, this will stun her into submission and you won’t even have to come up with any clever lines, except “These totally reminded me of you so I had to get them for you.” Oh man, I can hear the bedsprings singing already! There are times when it’s okay to get more than one type of flower, but be REALLY, REALLY careful, because you are a straight man, and evolution has done things to your brain that might make you wanna combine the two types of flowers in the shop that should never, ever meet up in the same bouquet. I’ve seen it happen. Men choosing long stem red roses (30" long) and short-stemmed fluffy pastel things (7” long) to go with them. Horrid. And how is she supposed to put them in the same vase? Whack off half of the roses? That is a waste of money and time, my friend. Resist.

6. Make sure the flowers are wrapped nicely. The ideal? Pretty color tissue paper around the bouquet, then a large piece of clear cellophane around that. Tell them to use their best ribbon to tie around the stems, to leave it really long, and choose a color that is an exact match to the flowers (no brainer), or in a color that is a nice compliment (a trickier thing for some of you). For those of you that are really advanced, ask if they have a bunch of raffia to wrap around it instead of ribbon. That’s the stuff that looks kind of like straw. Lots of strands of it in a knot or a bow, ends hanging down, is really high-rent. We are talking Martha here, so make the Domestic Dom happy and ask for the raffia. Is you say “that straw kind of stuff” most florists know what you mean.

7. You are now at the register, and likely having sticker shock. Just take a deep breath and pass the kind florist your credit card. Remember the key thing here: Pussy. Or, for you more noble fellows, her undying love (which is closely intertwined with pussy and its relative availability to you and your willy). Think of it this way: buy your girly really nice flowers a few times a year, and make it count. Choose well, spend some money, and reap the rewards. How much? Well, $40-65 will get you a really nice bouquet. And $70-125 will work miracles. But that higher category can also apply to arrangements, which always cost more. The high rollers easily spend $200-400 on an arrangement. Yes, really. It happens all the time.

8. The last advice I will give you is to transport your new purchase with a bit of care. I’ve seen men walking along with giant, expensive bouquets hanging down, smacking against their leg, which bruises and breaks the flowers and destoys the wrapping before you have even presented them. Cradle the bouquet in one arm. Not like a fairy princess prom queen! Just casually keep them in the crook of one arm while you carry your stuff with the other hand. Doing this keeps the flowers visible, which will win you many appreciative stares from all sorts of nearby womenfolk, as they brazenly covet your girl’s gorgeous flowers and perhaps, you. If you feel too rainbow flag with the crook of the arm dealio, then just keep them in your hand, in front of you. When you have to set them down, do it gingerly, in a spot where they won’t roll around. You just spent all that money, why fuck it up early on (i.e., before you get laid)? Don’t buy the flowers till the last minute, especially if it is hot, so they won’t get all wilted and sad.

9. Oh well, there is one more bit, where I save you gobs of money and grief. Do not ever buy flowers on Valentine’s Day unless you absolutely have to. That is the biggest profit day of the year for florists, and the mark-up on flowers around that holiday is 200-400%. I kid you not. Some of you already know I ain’t lying here. It is highway robbery. Think ahead just a wee bit and get something else. Like what? Focus on the romance factor, rather than the flowers. Plan a picnic, where you show up with all sorts of great food that you got at the old world Italian deli near your house, and hand her one fucking gorgeous rose, just loose, not wrapped. Make sure it smells good (remember the bury the face in the crotch thing? Right.) and is a fine specimen. Or buy her a really gorgeous, leather-bound blank book, if she likes to write or draw, and maybe even get her initials carved/engraved on the cover (bonus points: put a few bits of dried lavender between the pages so it smells sweet when you give it to her). No need to wrap it, just tie a big ribbon around it. Or if you wanna be more traditional, find a really good chocolatier in your area (like Recchiuti, Scharffen Berger, even See’s if you gotta), which mean someone who makes chocolates by hand, and pick out a box that has something in it just for her, like raspberry chocolate, or truffles, etc. Always do the hand-picked thing, because it is much more special. Make the chocolate people wrap it up all pretty.

Fuck, this is the longest blog entry ever. If you are still reading, then I know you are committed to impressing the ladies, and my money is on your willy getting the most play. I do love you menfolk, and I hate to see you stumbling around blind in this realm. You just need to have a road map, some rules, and some common sense. Like if you are trying to woo a woman for a first/second date, don’t buy the red roses. Those are the big serious guns that speak of deep romantic love and passion and you ain’t there yet. Again, most florists know this shit, and they can be very helpful.

I will leave you with a comment about the power of sending flowers to your chick at her office. You score big, big, mondo points with that one, because it is public statement, and all of her coworkers will fuss and fluff about the flowers for a good long while, thereby doing your work for you. It like a free exponential increase in flower goodwill for you. (Brother is getting laid!) But remember that this is only true if you drop some serious change and send the nice flowers. The $30 FTD special of mums, carnations, and baby’s breath (see item #2 above) is weak. Just weak. Employ cheating tricks. Call the receptionist of your girly’s office anonymously and say, which florist near you delivers the most gorgeous arrangements to your office? Then call that florist. Or to save money and have more options, go get the flowers yourself, then pay a friend or some kid to walk them in to the reception desk for you. That allows you to give a bouquet rather than an arrangement (more flowers, less $$ for labor and vases).

Try sending a dozen stems of the best white lilies (see photo above), each stem with four or five big flowers on it, with gorgeous pink satin ribbon everywhere. Oh yeah. Brother is getting laid! And yeah, you’re welcome, Sugar.