The FBI Hates Porn, the Republicans Hate Sex

The FBI has nothing to do. Or, our neo-con government is once again making icky, icky, bad, bad things happen to support their own right-wing agenda. On what do I base these assumptions? The Washington Post reports that the FBI’s Washington office is setting up a new unit specifically to address porn. An FBI unit to fight pedophile porn? Great. Bring it. But no... “The new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against ‘manufacturers and purveyors’ of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.” Bloody hell. The only good news is that many people who work for the FBI are making fun of this, annoyed that resources are being diverted for such foolishness (my words, not theirs). But the recruiting memos in FBI offices list this new unit (unit! *snicker*) as being of the highest priority to the Attorney General and the FBI Director. Great. That’s just great.

What I can’t stop thinking about is the fact that the most right wing, uptight, straight-laced people are the ones into the craziest kink. Seriously. It has been proven over and over again. And they want lots of sex like anyone else does, but they just won’t admit to it. Did you know that whenever the Republican Convention comes to town (any town), the local prostitution rings bring in tons of extra talent from other cities, because the local sex workers cannot keep up with the demand? Not kidding. The 2004 convention was in New York. Think about how huge NY is, and how many hookers there must be. Then think about how many more can be found in surrounding areas like Queens, the Bronx, Brooklyn, whatever. Right: lotsa lotsa. And yet, several madams were quoted as saying that they were flying girls in from other cities to meet the exceptionally high demand. And they were basing their preparations on previous Republican Convention needs. "We have girls from London, Seattle, California, all coming in for that week," said a madam at a Manhattan escort service. "It's the week everyone wants to work."

Strip clubs also get dramatically increased numbers of clients at these times. “Clubs have started booking private parties for delegates anxious to ogle topless beauties after a day of watching fully clothed politicians boast about family values.” Even Hustler covered that convention, just to prove what hypocrites these guys are. They had two correspondents in the laps of, I mean, in the field at the RNC. One female writer played a call girl and a male writer posed as a gay party boy. Their expert opinion on the whole thing? In their words, “The people who are most publicly outraged by healthy depictions of human sexuality are the ones who are into kinky stuff. Just look at John Ashcroft’s face. My guess is he’s not reading Playboy or Hustler—he’s got lesbian bondage rags under his bed.” Exactly!!! He probably has to pay his hookers more because he wants them to shit on his chest while he lays in the bathtub and sings his American Eagle song. Grody.

How about some examples of Republican sex scandals? Jack Ryan (R-Ill.) was married to hottie actress Jeri Ryan (Boston Public and Star Trek Voyager’s Seven of Nine, yo. Hot!), who divorced him because he repeatedly forced her to go to sex clubs, trying to get her to engage in public sex with others. These were the sorts of clubs that had cages, whips, and apparatus hanging from the ceilings. “Seven of Nine is confused by the complexities of human interaction”…uh, yeah.

As I Googled “Republican-Sex-Scandal” I kept getting sites talking about a 1989 scandal relating to the Reagan and Bush senior administrations and their use of male call boys, most underage (14-15). The boys were being given “midnight tours” of the White House, and the scandal linked many known Republicans with sexual activity of the illegal, under-age, totally homo kind. Hundreds of credit card receipts were found in the course of the investigation, proving that Republicans had used their personal and government-issued cards to pay for male prostitutes. Brilliant. I’m all for man-on-man action, but 14-year-old boys? Prostitutes? Paid for by the government? Wouldn’t you pay cash to cover your tracks? Dumbasses.

As for Jim West, the Republican mayor of Spokane, well…“Claims are now rampant that West has used his position of power for years, even since the '70s, ever since he was a Scout leader, ever since he was handing out cute plastic trophies to young preteen boys…West has used his position to lure men and teenage boys into having sex with him.” Aack. A good quote from that same article: “And someone should really do a national, once-and-for-all study to back up what everyone already knows -- which is, of course, that the more repressed and sanctimonious and uptight you are about sex and love and gender and religion, the more likely you are to be involved in secret kink, in deep perversion, illegal perversion, perversion that crosses the line from healthy and slippery and delicious to degrading and morally reprehensible and Karl Rove. Just ask -- did I say this already? -- the Catholic Church.” Republican sex scandals homosexual in nature? Freud would have so much fun with that one.

Now if you think my point is that Republicans have sex scandals but Democrats don’t, then you are weak minded and should probably be put down (in the veterinary sense of the term). Democrats have ‘em, they just don’t spend every day shouting that homosexuality and sexual expression is bad. In fact, many of us Democrats like our presidents to sex it up a bit, and consider it only an issue of concern for the wives of said presidents. I will admit that I liked Clinton better after the Monica debacle, but I have never looked at a cigar in quite the same way since then.

Man, I get sidetracked like nobody’s business. Wasn’t I talking about porn when I started this snarky rant? Yes, porn. One of my favorite things in the world. And now the FBI will be doing it’s best to prosecute the makers and distributors of porn for no particular reason. It’s pretty much guaranteed then that the folks who made The Fashionistas would not fare well with the new FBI porn unit. What if the FBI devoted those resources to helping the victims of human sex trafficking and reducing that ever-growing criminal activity? Aside from Bush’s occasional public comments about it (“Human trafficking and sex slavery is bad, mkay?”), he has not really done a damn thing to change the flow of it in his own country. Bastard.

Blech. This all just leaves an awful taste in my mouth. Usually I would say that I am a cynical optimist. But too many topics like this make me just a plain ol' cynical cynic.

Gotta go. Time to go eat scrambled eggs and watch porn. (20 points if you know what that’s from.)