Geek Fu: Watching Star Wars with a Pro

Somehow I got it stuck in my craw that I needed to see the original Star Wars, cuz I had not watched the whole thing since I was a kid. When it finally showed up from Netflix, I knew exactly who I had to call. The Star Wars Junkie, the Man Who Knows His [Star Wars] Shit, my Local Font of Star Wars Goodness, The Geek Who Owns Star Wars Monopoly: Lawr-, er, I mean, Darth Law. Yeah Darth Law. That’s it. Darth showed up at my house with proof of his Geek Fu; he had a pristine in-the-box Princess Leia doll with the slave girl costume. Yeah, baby! We were off to a good start. I resisted the urge to take her out of the box and see what her punani looked like under the skimpy costume. Prolly nothing there, like with other dollies. Disturbing, really. I used to make GI Joe hump my Princess Leia doll. Really, I did. He had a Kung Fu Grip that she was rather fond of. Allrighty then, moving on.

Watching a movie with a complete freak of a fan is a great thing, cuz you get all the cool behind-the-scenes crap without having to endure the entire director commentary version of the DVD. I learned a lot from the Master (Darth Law, not Lucas). But little did I know that I did NOT get the original Star Wars movie from Netflix, but I got the Lucasified original, with all sorts of animated creatures added and a couple new scenes. Bastard. Why? Why? It was like a bad mash-up, where the DJ just does not get it right, and the result is painful and slightly retarded. The high-end digital effects and new creature skin textures were all wrong when they appeared so close to the deliciously hokey bar scene. Bad Lucas! No touchy! No more yanky my wanky!

Okay, so anyway. Watching continued, with occasional pauses and explanations. I had forgotten just how handy R2D2 was. Talk about the right tool for the right job! After he put out a fire with a hidden fire extinguisher, I was like, “Dang, R2D2 got everything. He got a flame thrower in there too?” And Darth Law is all, “Well, whatever you need, R2’s got it. He’s got the George Foreman grill in there, and he makes a mean funnel cake.” I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard. I mean, funnel cake? Oh, and I bet there is a Hello Kitty vibrator hidden under there for Leia’s personal use. Every girl needs a working droid! Oh, good times.

Just like the first time I saw it, I got all amped up during the flight scenes where the X-wings go into the Death Star to knock that shit out. That kind of stuff gets me going. The Pod race in Episode One almost gave me an aneurism it was so exciting in that driver’s seat kind of way. It’s that frustrated part of me that never got to fly helicopters or jets.

My second kvetch: in the big final scene I felt cheated when Princess Leia placed the medals around the necks of Luke and Han Solo. Just as she was getting to the nice cleavage-reveal spot of the lean forward, her bosom dipped down below camera level. Blast! (Ohmigod, did anyone else used to watch the old Captain and Mrs. Muir TV show???) So unfair. Lucas cheated us out of the cleavage reveal. I remember how after that movie came out, lots of chicks were wearing those big chunky necklaces made of metal, like a bunch of pieces strung together. And dare I say that Leia’s big metal hip belt, worn low, was perhaps the start of the 80s low/big belt craze? Just a thought, but I may be talking out my arse, which happens a lot.

Okay, so anyway, Darth Law makes one fatal error that night. He tells me about a site that has all sorts of Star Wars film shorts that are hella good. The next day I started watching films and suddenly I was all geeked up. Bad. I still am. If I weren’t so excited about it I would be mightily embarrassed. This site, Atom Films, has all of the SW fan films, and they have a competition every year that Lucas gets involved in. Some of these films are so impressive. People went to some trouble, and it shows. So now I share my list of faves thus far, and hope that you will partake of the goodness that is STAR WARS!

Star Wars Gangsta Rap is top of the list for making people laugh hella loud. “It’s not the North or the South Side…It’s the DARK SIDE!” And “Why you gotta be a Vader Hater???”

Do you love Napoleon Dynamite as much as I do? Then please to be watching Anikin Dynamite. Anikin has skills: light saber skills, levitation skills… He spent three hours doing the shading on Padma’s upper lip, but she is not impressed. I will admit to having watched this five times now.

Anyone ever watched The Crocodile Hunter? Then you gotta see Boba Fett as The Jedi Hunter. Crikey, that Jedi is a feisty fella! Two of this film’s best bits are great cross-over moments, with a line of my fave Princess Bride dialogue.

Remember the annoying little blue guy who hovered in the air and worked young Anikin half to death in SW Episode One? Yeah, Wattoo. If you knew that, then YOUR Geek Fu is stronger than mine, Grasshopper. Well, it’s not surprising that Wattoo has his own commercial, with all the used car tackiness one would expect; selling used speeders, aircraft from discontinued sci-fi series, and whatnot. Crazy Wattoo will not be undersold!

Next up is the Sith Apprentice. You think Trump is tough? Imagine sitting across the table from the scary-ass Emperor. This one starts out a bit slow, but Jar Jar gets killed pretty quickly, which made my day (Jar Jar? WTF was Lucas thinking?), and then it has some hilarious cross-reference dialogue that Vader does not really appreciate.

Now for you creative types, please to be looking at Bamboo Bush, which is exceptionally wonderful and hard to explain. Imagine Japanese wood block designs of bamboo, flowers, etc. Okay, now shape them into Star Wars ships and stuff, and animate them as moving 3D objects to great music. Keep it black and white. Act out some of the best scenes in the original Star Wars, and impress all your friends. I know it sounds boring, but really, this is the shit.

Oh man, the fun never ends. There are so many SW films, that you could easily waste a month on them. Then there are all of the non-SW films on that site! Another two months maybe. But will some of you please watch these SW films so you will understand all of my new jokes? Please? I’ll give you a dollar! Now if you will excuse me, I gotta go watch the SW Gangsta Rap again.

P.S. For those of you who loved the Princess Bride, word on boing boing is that a musical is in the works. I’m not a big fan of musicals, because dang, they’re hella gay. But I bet it would translate well. There is a long tradition of sword fighting on stage, no?