Fun With The Coochie Pop

My favorite lesbian is the dirtiest guy I ever met. Which is why we get along perfectly. I’ve noticed certain commonalities in all of my friends: a dirty mind, happy obsessions with sex, a love of porn, and a certain free-flowing, twisted outlook on subjects that would make a right wing conservative twitch uncontrollably. We can talk about pretty much any topic and turn it sexual in a very juvenile Beavis and Butthead way. Me and my friend Huey have been making pussy jokes about my cat Delta for years, and we still think it’s deeply funny. Think pubescent boy humor: I’m gonna go home and pet my pussy. Or, be careful you don't rub your pussy the wrong way! And, my pussy’s all worked up tonight; it’s totally out of control. You get the idea. My best buddy Miss M said that yesterday she pulled a four-wine-bottle carton out from under her airplane seat and announced, “Hey, there’s lint on my box!” then dissolved into a fit of laughter with her friends. Yes, I love her dearly. The first time I knew I loved her? We worked together at this alternative newspaper where people tended to be uptight in a PC, self-righteous, lefty, Berkeley-ish kind of way. Miss M was working the front desk and she was a breath of fresh air. I was standing there talking to her and she put on this gorgeous dark lipstick. I complimented her on it, and she said, “Yeah, and it leaves a nice ring around the base of a guy’s cock when you suck his dick.” Oh, what a girl. If I were a dude I woulda married her years ago. Instead I just stick my finger in her luscious cleavage now and then.

Any time I meet up with my homies we talk smut, or porn, or something in that arena. It’s inevitable. A couple days ago I finished reading Box Lunch: The Layperson’s Guide to Cunnilingus, by Diana Cage, a local area sexpert and former editor of On Our Backs, etc. You see, this is what happens when you hang out with lesbians. You end up picking up books at their house, you end up reading said books, and you end up learning all sorts of things about your cunt, which you then feel compelled to bring up in conversation with your friends. It’s a funny, informative read, if you go in for that sort of thing, and who doesn’t?

What did I Iearn? Well, found out about the things that change internally in an aroused woman that make fisting possible (aka “tenting”). Always wondered about that. Johnny Boy, the afore-mentioned lesbo friend of mine, assures me that she could insert anything that she wants to insert into a girl’s pussy, and I believe her. And ladies, she is one well-endowed lesbian: she’s got some seriously big hands with long fingers.

Okay class, what else did we learn about eating out? Learned about a great lube called Liquid Silk, which is tasteless, so you can lube her up, fuck the shit out of her, and then still go down on her without getting some weird chemical taste in your mouth. Sounds like a must-have for the goody drawer.

I think my very favorite part of Box Lunch is the break-down of all the plastic surgery procedures that porn stars (or any other girl) can have done on their box. So fucking interesting. I only knew of one, but now I know several. Now THAT'S good cocktail party conversation material! I mentioned Diana Cage to my friend Jesse, and he totally knew of her, her work, had read Box Lunch, etc. What a guy. I can see why his wife always looks satisfied. At one point, this crazy high fetishy black stripper shoe fell out of their bedroom closet. Jesse picked it up, turned it over, and with a wicked gleam in his eye, carefully pointed out to me that there was absolutely no wear on the sole whatsoever. His wife just laughed knowingly. Oh happy day! Years ago I had a lover who suggested I wear some red stiletto heels. I was like, “Honey, I am 6’2” and there is no way I can walk in those things cuz I would be 6’7”!” His response? “You don’t have to walk in them, girl, you just have to keep them on.” Well shut my mouth. I have several pair of high heels nowadays, and there is one pair in particular that just totally turns me on. Just seeing them on my own feet makes me purr. Black strappy numbers with maybe a 4” heel, and I’ve never worn them out in the world. Jesse would be so proud!

So is there any big difference between the straight folks and the gay folks I know? Not a hell of a lot. It’s just all about pussy, dick, and getting fucked good and proper, right? We all wanna walk a little funny the next day and smile when we remember why. We all wanna kiss till our lips get puffy and swoon for the one that makes our blood boil. Jesse, a hetero guy, was the one who turned me on to the strange goodness of the full-length porn film The Fashionistas, and yet it’s Johnny Boy, Lesbianus Extremus, who is one of the biggest fans of that film that I know. We all love Belladonna in any way, shape, or form…no question. She is the best thing going in The Fashionistas, and we all want to fuck her senseless AND have her baby. Oh jeez, just thinking about her gets me riled up. When I mentioned her to my friend G, he smiled happily and said simply, “Oh, she’s a very dirty girl.” Yes, exactly.

The moral of this story? Going down applies to all colors and creeds, because c’mon, who wouldn’t want to have their face buried in all that goodness? Just don’t forget to put the dark lipstick on first so you’ll leave your mark. *wink*